my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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