I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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