Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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