Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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