I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
