I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We are all done wearing pants today
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
