You surviving the open bar?
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You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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