How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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