Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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