Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
