oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
