The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
