Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
