Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
