Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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