This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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