he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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