Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
