so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
