Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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