At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
