New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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