If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
