u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
