my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My ass is underappreciated
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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