Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
