I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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