Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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