I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
