he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
