i don't like sucking hair
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
