I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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