Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
