So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
50% drunk capacity currently
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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