im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
