In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
