Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
