i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize