Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
