she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
