Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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