i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize