I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize