Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
