so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
