i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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