Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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