Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
