I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
