went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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