it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
