i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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