wanna go halves on a baby?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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