So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
