just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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