I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
