Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm both gender and math confused
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
