Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
