Porn is love you can see.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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