I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
