Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
