he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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