Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
