Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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