wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
